I have always managed to maintain my body at a fairly consistent weight, regardless of how much food I stuff myself with. However, standing upon the very contraption of reckoning, also known as a weighing machine to many, saw the whirling scales go into uncharted territory, to my horror.

Gasp! What is this country doing to me? (rhetorical question). Almost a third of the 300 million American population is obese, and I would think that such an estimate is relatively conservative. Am I tumbling down the slippery slope to join the ranks of the overweight, to attend to my culinary desires with reckless profligacy? In this land of cheeseburgers, sugar bunnies and grease laden cuisine, one needs to realize that a cheap abundance of food doesn't justify zealous overindulgence.

Perhaps it is a minute possibility that I am exaggerating a five-pound gain, and I would certainly like to attribute it to an increase in height (while I'm at it, I would like a new car too). Perhaps it was because I was wearing heavy clothing. Perhaps it was because I just had a hearty meal. Perhaps I was going to make a toilet joke, but decided against it because someone may be eating while reading this.

Perhaps you would like to stab me with a fork for wasting your time. But hey, I probably spent more time typing this than you took to read it, so kindly put your kitchen cutlery away. Please?